This is a hard one from me. This is my first blog that actually speaks of me and my personal experience.
When I reflect on my life it is interesting that I’ve ended up doing what I do. Being a minister is strange for me. I’ve had a pretty easy life compared to most. My parents are relatively normal, along with the rest of my family. But I have been hurt in my life. The problem is the only people who really ever attacked me in my life have been those who worked in the church. ‘Spiritual leaders’ have caused me more pain than anyone else has ever.
My church experience was pretty great up until I moved back to my home province in ’99. Before then I was pretty care free. I always had great fun with my youth pastor and other pastors in the past. But things were different in this next church. I was always taught to respect people not just because they have a certain title or position but for their character and who they are. I remember hearing the story of my grandfather and his encounter with a pastor one Sunday morning. My grandfather ran up and said the pastor’s first name. The pastor proceeded to correct him and say, “You mean pastor”. My grandfather was a humble man who was successful in his job with the military, and simply responded, “well, than it is Lieutenant Commander Thompson to you.” I was always taught it is who you are and what you do that makes you the man that you are not some prefix or suffix by your name.
This one particular pastor I had used to scream in my face. He would say things like, “what are you stupid”. I remember him on more than one occasion physically assaulting a kid. One that was not from a Christian home, had some issues in life and now is no longer in the church. I remember one youth day this particular kid was asking some question about why we weren’t taking part in the interdenominational youth service. The pastor proceeded to attack this kid. I stepped in because I didn’t think it was right that he was being attacked. The pastor’s simple argument was don’t question me I’m the pastor, God’s anointed. This really rubbed me the wrong way. Eventually, I said something stupid, although I think it is true, still probably could have been said with more wisdom. I proceeded to say, “just ‘cause your appointed, doesn’t mean you’re anointed.” I later apologized. The relationship never improved. When I was in grade twelve and just about to head off to Bible College there was another encounter. This one led to me not going to youth, my father refused to dawn the doors of that church and my grandfather’s resignation from the church board. It wasn’t pretty. The youth pastor was eventually went to another church.
The thing was I still always sought the approval of this youth pastor. No matter what I did in trying to be the youth that earned his realationshp, without comprising the ideals my family taught me, wasn’t good enough. My roommate second semester was from the same youth group as me. He and this youth pastor had a great relationship, which I am happy that they did. This pastor came in and said hi to him and was talking to him. I proceeded to say hello. He turned, looked at me, ignored what that I said hi and continued talking to my roommate and then walked out of the room. That was probably the most painful moment of my life. Makes you feel like dirt. The person who you want approval from totally snubs you.
Growing up my father, being in the military wasn’t around a whole lot. The thing I wanted more than anything was a father figure. My first youth pastor was like the older brother I never had and I learned a lot from him. Here I am in a new church and wanting nothing more to have that experience again but BOOM the door gets slammed in your face.
This wasn’t the last of my experiences with pastors. One situation was when I was in Bible College. This particular pastor was mad at me for leaving his church and went to the district and school to have it put on my record that I was bad or something like that. What he didn’t know is that the Bible College asked me to leave in order to get more experience. Then recently I had another minister attack me and want my job, credentials and my head on a platter.
This has caused the position of leadership to be very very difficult for me. I have problems asserting authority when it is needed because I am scared of coming across like those people who have wounded me deeply. The church is a sticky place for me. The one place that I felt safe and everyone should feel became a place of pain. I have problems trusting ministers. It has caused me to become defensive and closed off. I am unwilling to trust them. I am working on this. Saying this, I know that the issues I have pale in comparison to others experiences, I’ve seen the Fifth Estate specials. But I think my story here might resonate with others.
Part of the cure has been surrounding myself with healthy leaders. The summer before my last year of Bible College I got a job with a great staff. I learned so much and it brought me to a place of beginning to heal the leadership wound. I will always remember Rob Morris and Rick Grundy. They really changed my life. Recently I’ve got to know Richard Vander Vaart, a minister of the Christian Reformed Church in a neighbouring town. Slowly I’ve been able to begin to trust and open up. I am not totally healed but I am on my way.
I have run into so many who have similar type stories. No wonder there are so many ‘revolutionaries’ (George Barna’s book on people who don’t attend church but yet are changing the world for Jesus). I think of those who have walked away because of the wound that leaders have given. If it had not been for my strong family, two fantastic women from my church and the great years I had in church before this encounter I probably wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today. There are people who I grieve for who will never dawn the doors of the church because of the different things done or said to them by their church leaders.
Not trying to point the finger. I know I have inflicted some wounds of my own. I think the difference is that as leaders and even as Christians all together we need to recognize and then rectify these mistakes. We are all human. We all make mistakes. I get that, trust me I do. There is something to be said, though, about recognizing your folly, fixing it, and learning from biblical leaders the way should lead. The Bible is pretty clear that spiritual leaders will be held more accountable. I don’t want it to be said of me what Jesus said of the Pharisee’s. I want my life to not just be about appearing clean but about being clean on the inside.
Don’t inflict the same wounds I’ve endured. Raise up healthy leaders. Choose the people you follow carefully. And extend grace too. We all make mistakes.
When I reflect on my life it is interesting that I’ve ended up doing what I do. Being a minister is strange for me. I’ve had a pretty easy life compared to most. My parents are relatively normal, along with the rest of my family. But I have been hurt in my life. The problem is the only people who really ever attacked me in my life have been those who worked in the church. ‘Spiritual leaders’ have caused me more pain than anyone else has ever.
My church experience was pretty great up until I moved back to my home province in ’99. Before then I was pretty care free. I always had great fun with my youth pastor and other pastors in the past. But things were different in this next church. I was always taught to respect people not just because they have a certain title or position but for their character and who they are. I remember hearing the story of my grandfather and his encounter with a pastor one Sunday morning. My grandfather ran up and said the pastor’s first name. The pastor proceeded to correct him and say, “You mean pastor”. My grandfather was a humble man who was successful in his job with the military, and simply responded, “well, than it is Lieutenant Commander Thompson to you.” I was always taught it is who you are and what you do that makes you the man that you are not some prefix or suffix by your name.
This one particular pastor I had used to scream in my face. He would say things like, “what are you stupid”. I remember him on more than one occasion physically assaulting a kid. One that was not from a Christian home, had some issues in life and now is no longer in the church. I remember one youth day this particular kid was asking some question about why we weren’t taking part in the interdenominational youth service. The pastor proceeded to attack this kid. I stepped in because I didn’t think it was right that he was being attacked. The pastor’s simple argument was don’t question me I’m the pastor, God’s anointed. This really rubbed me the wrong way. Eventually, I said something stupid, although I think it is true, still probably could have been said with more wisdom. I proceeded to say, “just ‘cause your appointed, doesn’t mean you’re anointed.” I later apologized. The relationship never improved. When I was in grade twelve and just about to head off to Bible College there was another encounter. This one led to me not going to youth, my father refused to dawn the doors of that church and my grandfather’s resignation from the church board. It wasn’t pretty. The youth pastor was eventually went to another church.
The thing was I still always sought the approval of this youth pastor. No matter what I did in trying to be the youth that earned his realationshp, without comprising the ideals my family taught me, wasn’t good enough. My roommate second semester was from the same youth group as me. He and this youth pastor had a great relationship, which I am happy that they did. This pastor came in and said hi to him and was talking to him. I proceeded to say hello. He turned, looked at me, ignored what that I said hi and continued talking to my roommate and then walked out of the room. That was probably the most painful moment of my life. Makes you feel like dirt. The person who you want approval from totally snubs you.
Growing up my father, being in the military wasn’t around a whole lot. The thing I wanted more than anything was a father figure. My first youth pastor was like the older brother I never had and I learned a lot from him. Here I am in a new church and wanting nothing more to have that experience again but BOOM the door gets slammed in your face.
This wasn’t the last of my experiences with pastors. One situation was when I was in Bible College. This particular pastor was mad at me for leaving his church and went to the district and school to have it put on my record that I was bad or something like that. What he didn’t know is that the Bible College asked me to leave in order to get more experience. Then recently I had another minister attack me and want my job, credentials and my head on a platter.
This has caused the position of leadership to be very very difficult for me. I have problems asserting authority when it is needed because I am scared of coming across like those people who have wounded me deeply. The church is a sticky place for me. The one place that I felt safe and everyone should feel became a place of pain. I have problems trusting ministers. It has caused me to become defensive and closed off. I am unwilling to trust them. I am working on this. Saying this, I know that the issues I have pale in comparison to others experiences, I’ve seen the Fifth Estate specials. But I think my story here might resonate with others.
Part of the cure has been surrounding myself with healthy leaders. The summer before my last year of Bible College I got a job with a great staff. I learned so much and it brought me to a place of beginning to heal the leadership wound. I will always remember Rob Morris and Rick Grundy. They really changed my life. Recently I’ve got to know Richard Vander Vaart, a minister of the Christian Reformed Church in a neighbouring town. Slowly I’ve been able to begin to trust and open up. I am not totally healed but I am on my way.
I have run into so many who have similar type stories. No wonder there are so many ‘revolutionaries’ (George Barna’s book on people who don’t attend church but yet are changing the world for Jesus). I think of those who have walked away because of the wound that leaders have given. If it had not been for my strong family, two fantastic women from my church and the great years I had in church before this encounter I probably wouldn’t be doing what I am doing today. There are people who I grieve for who will never dawn the doors of the church because of the different things done or said to them by their church leaders.
Not trying to point the finger. I know I have inflicted some wounds of my own. I think the difference is that as leaders and even as Christians all together we need to recognize and then rectify these mistakes. We are all human. We all make mistakes. I get that, trust me I do. There is something to be said, though, about recognizing your folly, fixing it, and learning from biblical leaders the way should lead. The Bible is pretty clear that spiritual leaders will be held more accountable. I don’t want it to be said of me what Jesus said of the Pharisee’s. I want my life to not just be about appearing clean but about being clean on the inside.
Don’t inflict the same wounds I’ve endured. Raise up healthy leaders. Choose the people you follow carefully. And extend grace too. We all make mistakes.
No comments:
Post a Comment